Transition into Change

We love to hate change, we hate to love change. Ambivalence around the concept of change has always defined my experience. My relationship to change is changing. I used to crave change because what I had wasn’t enough. There was something bigger, better, and brighter out there.

Today, I’m acutely aware that my life now is exactly what I envisioned at one point. I wanted to go to graduate school, teach yoga, be in a relationship, and run! I do all of that now, and is it finally enough? Practicing mindfulness (non-judgemental awareness of the present moment) is useful to cultivate the ‘enoughness’ that I’ve been looking for. As I head into my final year of grad school, the inevitable change that lies ahead without any certainty to it scares me. For the first time that I can remember, I found myself not wanting any change to happen. On one hand, I feel like I’m fully present in my life and I’m enjoying it, and on the other hand, I may be attached to the way that things are right now.

This predicament is an interesting one. I’m building towards the life I’ve always dreamed of, and with it so close and within reach, it is so difficult to let go and take that leap. I feel a mosaic of emotions when I think about all that I need to accomplish in the next 9 months, including all of the transitions. Transitioning into change has been something I’ve always craved, and now for the first time, it’s something that resembles hardship. Making alterations to the life that I love feeling is scary. All I can do to meet the moment is to breathe, stay present, and welcome fear. As I transition into change, I must remember the impermanence and groundlessness of life, even in the beautiful stages.