Too Many Irons in the Fire

To commit to responsibility and then to fall short may be one of the worst feelings in the world. I’m someone who overcommits on the regular and usually I follow through. This weekend was one of those times where I fell short. The experience of someone feeling disappointed in me and feeling disappointed in myself calls for an all-day pity party. My ideal pity party involves calling my mom for reassurance, crying, and an existential crisis.

As I undergo another trying time of disappointment, guilt, and shame, I recoil to know that this trust might be broken forever. This is a bummer. What really gets me is the idea that this may affect other people's trust in me because of this incident. As existential as this could be, I chose to drop into my body and own it. To be fully engaged with life is to feel the spectrum of emotions and intrapersonal relationships. The disappointment, guilt, frustration, embarrassment, fear, and shame that I feel makes me want to so desperately escape my body and escape this situation. The amygdala is popping off right now. Learning that disappointing someone and breaking trust is one of my biggest triggers of self-loathing and a good old-fashioned shame shit storm. First things first - awareness. Knowing this about myself and taking an observer role helps me disengage from the spiraling toxicity of fear and shame.

It has only been about 12 hours since this incident took place. I’m still reeling and rumbling in it. However. To be able to step out of it - even for just a moment to write this post - reminds me that mindfulness and externalization are critical to maintaining self-trust and self-compassion. A moment in time such as this helps me feel immense hope and abundant gratitude. All I can do now is forgive myself, make amends to the relationship, and experience the full spectrum of emotions while moving through this delicate and evolving situation. We learn as we go and we try to do better. <3