Nothingness

I have always actively avoided the state of nothingness. I felt that freedom consisted of cultivating moreness, not nothingness. I’m always amazed at what comes out of my mouth when teaching a yoga class. As freedom was my theme for the practice, I explained to a group of students that samadhi is attained through liberation and transcendence. I’m understanding that in my own life, clinging to material things is not a samadhi practice. The act of letting go and surrendering feels more like the freedom to me, right now.

I took the dog for a hike yesterday and was tempted to bring my AirPods to listen to a podcast or audiobook. I ended up leaving them at home, not because I had the realization, but only because I didn’t have room in my pockets for the case. I started hiking and mindfully observed thoughts that were arising and emotions that were emerging. I listened to the calming sounds of nature and the panting of the puppy. I experienced a spark of light, feeling a state of wholeness in my body and in my mind. The rhythmic bilateral experience of walking, and noticing where each foot is placed is my gateway toward freedom.

The nomenclature for what this human experience is called is integration. The mathematical term refers to the mean value or total sum of the quantity. Reflecting on this definition made me think a little bit harder - I thought that a whole was greater than the sum of its parts, so integrating equates to more and freedom equates to less? How do integration and freedom work in tandem, or do they not?

A typical experience of philosophical thinking to land on absolute truth is my go-to defense mechanism. Sitting with paradox is not what I had in mind for this hike. While hiking and not adding any additional stimulus, I processed the discomfort of the paradox step by step. The notion that conclusions exist always throws me off course. Instead, at this moment, I took a step back and observed. Not through cognition, but through feeling, this sense of freedom washed over me. I was looking out over the rolling green hills, doing nothing and simultaneously finding freedom. Nothing - no, thing.

Freedom and nothingness go hand-in-hand more than the work of integration. Trust me, I believe in integration as a vital step to self-actualization. But in the spiritual sense of freedom, I felt a deeper knowing that nothingness was the answer. For me. At this particular moment. Freedom doesn’t come through moreness or materialism. It comes from the unknown and the uncertainty of nothingness and embracing it. How beautiful, mysterious, and brutal this is.